Imitation is Not the Sincerest Form of Flattery
by gasarch
Summary: Jane helps the 3 J's stop fighting?/Helen has an affair?


  
  
Daria Fan Fiction.  
  
TITLE: IMITATION IS NOT THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY  
  
AUTHOR: William Gasarch  
  
Daria is a TV show on MTV, a cartoon show, which  
I am quite fond of. I am not alone--- there are websites  
and lots of fan fiction.   
(e.g., http://www.outpost-daria.com)  
I originally thought that  
the fan fiction I write would ONLY be of interest to  
people who watch the show, but I was pleasently surprised  
when someone who is not a fan and is not American,  
saw my fan fiction and liked it.  
  
SO,   
  
IF you are a fan of the show and LIKE the story GOOD  
IF you are a fan of the sow and DON"T LIKE it, sorry to have wasted your time.  
IF you are NOT a fan of the show and like it GREAT  
If you are NOT a fan of the show and DON"T like it, then I can blame it on  
your not being a fan.  
  
DESCRIPTION:   
Jane helps the three J's--- or does she?  
Helen and her boss have an email romance--- or do they?  
  
CATEGORY: Romance?  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
Act I  
  
Scene 1.  
  
(At school, at Jane's locker. The three J's approach her.  
When they talk they almost cut each other off, like a choppy effect.)  
  
JOEY: We want to ask you a favor.  
  
JEFFY: We need Daria's advice.  
  
JAMIE: On a matter of the utmost importance.  
  
JANE: Then ask Daria.  
  
JOEY: She scares us!   
  
JEFFY: Remember the last time we got her advice?  
  
JANE: Yeah, Quinn was acting like a brain and  
Daria got the old Quinn back.  
So what's the problem?  
  
(See QUINN THE BRAIN.)  
  
JOEY: She made herself *hot* so that Quinn would be shocked  
back to normal.  
  
JEFFY: And that freaked us out!  
  
JAMIE: She used to be ..., uh,... *not* hot.  
  
JANE: And that's okay?  
  
JOEY: No, it's not okay, but everyone understood that.  
  
JANE: Even Kevin?  
  
JOEY: Almost everyone. Now we know that she  
*can* make herself hot. If she *can* make herself  
hot, but chooses *not* to--- that just freaks us out!  
  
JEFFY: Nobody understands that! Not even us! And we're  
Daria's sister's biggest admirers!  
  
JANE: Being Daria's *sister's* biggest admirers does not  
give you a window into Daria's soul.  
OH.- you know that Quinn and Daria are sisters?  
  
JAMIE: Anyone with half a brain knows that.  
  
JANE: Does Brittany know?  
  
JOEY: (nonchalant) No.  
  
JAMIE: Daria's a brain, right?  
  
JANE: She's been called worse.  
  
JOEY: So she'd be smart enough to help us out?  
  
JEFFY: So we want you to tell us what she would tell us,  
so we can use her brain, but not, like, talk to her.  
  
JANE: Your attitude is sickening, but your honesty  
about it is at least.. No, thats sickening too.  
  
JOEY: Will you do it?  
  
JANE: Okay. Ten bucks each, before we even begin.  
  
JEFFY: That's outrageous! I could buy Quinn three scrunchies  
for ten bucks.  
  
JANE: Charging ten bucks to rent her brain *is* what Daria would do.  
  
JAMIE: Oh. (Complete about-face, they give her money happily)  
  
JANE: Who's going to tell me what this is all about?  
  
JOEY: It was my idea, so I will!  
  
JEFFY: I gave her ten bucks first, so I will!  
  
JAMIE: Quinn spoke to me yesterday, so I will!  
(They begin fighting.)  
  
JANE: (deadpan) Please, I'm not worth fighting over.  
  
JOEY and JEFFY and JAMIE (in unison): Oh yeah. She's right.  
(they stop fighting)  
  
JOEY: We want you to help us stop fighting over Quinn.  
The last time I got temporary amnesia and flunked a   
History test.  
  
JEFFY: You flunked that test before the amnesia.  
  
JOEY: Oh yeah. I forgot.  
  
JANE: Okay, I'll help you. Meet me in the pizza place  
today at 5:00. By then I will have devised a plan.  
  
(They all leave the scene. Jane goes home. She calls Daria  
Split screen.)  
  
JANE: Daria!  
  
DARIA: Jane.  
  
JANE: Daria!  
  
DARIA: Jane.  
  
JANE: Daria!  
  
DARIA: How long do you want to keep his up?  
  
JANE: Until it stops being fun.  
  
DARIA: We passed our fun quota 2 `Jane's' ago.  
What's up?  
  
JANE: The three J's want me to give them advice from  
you on how they can stop fighting over Quinn.  
  
DARIA: Why not ask me directly?  
  
JANE: They're scared of you.  
  
DARIA: They're smarter than I thought.  
  
JANE: Should I do it?  
  
DARIA: If you get money and they get  
embarrassed, then it's worth doing.  
  
JANE: Why embarrass them? Do you have anything against  
them?  
  
DARIA: My sister's pathetically sick admirers  
deserve to be embarrassed.  
  
JANE: Got a plan?  
  
DARIA: Yes.   
  
(We do not hear the rest of the conversation.)  
  
JANE: Thanks Daria. With your savvy you could  
rule the world.  
  
DARIA: Why would I want to?  
  
-----------------  
Act I, Scene 2  
  
(Jane and the three J's at Pizza.)  
  
JANE: We will meet for Pizza every day at 5:00 until we're done.  
Your treat.  
  
JAMIE But that's expensive--  
(Cut off by JEFFY)  
  
JEFFY: That's what Daria would do.  
  
JOEY: (agreeing) Oh yeah, right.  
  
JANE: Phase 1:  
There is a new French restaurant in town called  
Le Expensive' (NOTE TO READER: pronounce expenseev)  
Opening night is in a week.  
Whoever takes Quinn to Le Expensive's opening night   
is free to pursue her, and everyone else must stop.  
Here is a contract to that effect. (She takes it out.)  
  
JAMIE: That's a terrible idea. What if it's not me?  
  
JANE: But what if it is?  
  
JAMIE: Oh. Then it's a great idea!  
  
JOEY: Is this place expensive?  
  
JANE: People go to French restaurants *because* of  
the expense, not despite it. So they're advertising  
what they know people really want.  
Now, let's all sign the contract.  
  
ALL THREE: Okay (thinking to themselves about the other two: suckers!)  
  
JANE: We need someone to witness the signing.  
(She spots Sandi's brothers Sam and Chris.)  
You two, come over here. (They do)  
Okay, I want the five of you to sign this.  
  
JOEY (reads it out loud)   
We the undersigned promise that whichever of us takes   
Quinn to Le Expensive' opening night has exclusive rights to her.   
The others will cease and desist from talking to her.  
Okay (He signs it, then they all do, including Sandi's brothers.)  
  
JANE: (To Sandi's brothers.) Go make 4 copies of this,  
one for me, and one for each of the three J's.  
  
SAM: Okey-dokey. (They go to a copy place next door,  
make 5 copies, keeping one for themselves. They come  
back and give one each to the three J's and to Jane.)  
  
JOEY: What do we do until one of us takes Quinn to Le Expensive'.  
  
JANE: Phase 2. You all ignore Quinn for a week.  
  
JOEY: We can't do that.  
  
JANE: If you ignore her you can't fight over her.  
Its just for a week so you can get used to the  
idea of not fighting.  
  
JEFFY: I agree.  
  
JOEY: I'll agree too.  
  
JAMIE: I'll agree three.  
  
(We hear them all thinking about the other two: `suckers!')  
  
JANE: As a trial run, I'll pretend to be Quinn and lets  
see how you react. (Does perfect Quinn imitation.)  
Will one of you get me a soda. (All three run to  
get her one.) (Back to normal Jane voice) This is not  
working.  
  
JOEY: That voice--- that's uncanny!  
  
JANE: (In Quinn's voice) Thank you Joey. Want to take me to Le Expensive'?  
  
JOEY: Do I ever! (then realizes that its Jane) Oh.  
No, sorry, I thought you were Quinn.  
  
JANE: That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.  
  
JOEY: I'm sorry Quinn. I mean Jane. I mean...  
  
JANE: The point is to *not* get Quinn sodas.  
  
JEFFY: How could we not get Quinn sodas?  
  
JOEY: She's unbelievable!  
  
JEFFY: She's unreal!  
  
JAIME: She's uncola!  
  
JANE AND JOEY AND JEFFY: Huh?  
  
(Screen says `Next Day, at 5:00' The three J's and Jane  
sitting in the same place.)  
  
JOEY: It's your fault!  
  
JEFFY: NO, it's your fault!  
  
JAMIE: NO, it's your fault!  
  
JANE: What seems to be the problem?  
  
JOEY: Jeffy and Jamie asked Quinn for a date!  
  
JEFFY: Joey and Jamie asked Quinn for a date!  
  
JAMIE: Joey and Jeffy asked Quinn for a date!  
(They break out into a fight.)  
  
JANE: Does anyone want to challenge any of these  
statements? (They stop fighting and have an uncomfortable silence.)  
Okay, so you all asked Quinn for a date.  
What we need is a way to enforce the `ignore-Quinn' rule.  
Tomorrow, if anyone is caught talking to Quinn, they must give  
me ten bucks.  
  
JOEY: (downcast) Let me guess. That's what Daria would do.  
  
JANE: Oh yeah. (Big sadistic smile.)  
  
(Fade out. Fade in. Screen says NEXT DAY AT PIZZA PLACE)  
  
(We see all three of the giving Jane $10.00.)  
  
JANE: Lets make it $20.00.  
  
(Fade out. Fade in. Screen says NEXT DAY AT PIZZA PLACE)  
  
(We see all three of the giving Jane $20.00.)  
  
JANE: I could say $30.00, or even $100.00, but that wouldn't  
stop you, would it.  
  
JOEY and JEFFY and JAMIE: (sadly) No.  
  
JOEY: I would dip into my college fund.  
  
JEFFY: I would dip into my parents' retirement fund.  
  
JAMIE: I would dip into my Quinn budget.  
  
JANE: You have a Quinn budget?  
  
JAMIE: Well, yeah. We all do.  
(Joey and Jeffy nod as though it were obvious)  
  
JANE: New plan. Whoever talks to Quinn gives me  
$48.00. However, I will split $24.00 with  
the two who did not talk to Quinn. So, by talking  
to Quinn you are giving money to your adversaries.  
Perhaps to *their* Quinn budget...  
  
JOEY: What are you going to use all this money for?  
  
JANE: My Montana cabin fund.  
  
JEFFY: You have a Montana cabin fund?  
  
JANE: (annoyed) That's what Daria would do.  
  
(Fade out. Fade in. Screen says A WEEK LATER.)  
  
JANE: You managed a week. Congratulations.  
Now onto phase 3. I want all three of you to ask Sandi for a date,  
and fight over Sandi.  
------------------------  
FADE OUT: See scene of the three J's handing Jane 40 bucks.  
  
COMMERCIAL: We see a can of Mountain Dew leave a vending machine  
and go flying. It flies around, going through walls, going into and  
out of a rock concert, an elevator, a pane of glass. Then it hits  
someone really hard on the head. Then a man with a suit speaks  
MAN: Has this ever happened to you? If so, call 1-800-LAWSUIT.  
We can make it worth your while. And ours.  
  
  
---------------------------------  
Act II. Scene 1.  
  
  
(Helen is making lasagna. Quinn, Daria, and Jake   
are at the table.  
Quinn is reading WAIF, Daria is reading I'M APATHETIC, YOU'RE APATHETIC,  
Jake is reading the newspaper. We see an article in WAIF entitled  
``The next big trend: dating men much younger than you.'' by M. Powers)  
  
QUINN: Daria, are you a brain?  
  
DARIA: Is that an insult, a compliment, or a question?  
  
QUINN: (confused) Uh, Daria, are you a science brain?  
  
DARIA: I've broken a test tube or two.  
  
QUINN: Whole milk has like ... 4% fat,  
and 2%-milk has like ... 2% fat, and skim milk has like..  
0 % fat. So ...   
  
DARIA: So what?  
  
QUINN: Are they every going to have, like, you know *negative* 2%,  
or *negative* 4% fat.  
  
DARIA: Why do you want to know?  
  
QUINN: My Cheerios are 3% fat, so if my milk is negative 3%  
fat then I get NO fat!. And if my milk is negative 4% then  
I'm winning!  
  
DARIA: (deadpan) What's the prize?  
  
QUINN: (serious) Less fat, more boys, more popular.  
You're a brain, you figure it out.  
  
DARIA: Sorry to say, they can punch a hole in the ozone layer  
but they can't make milk with negative fat content.  
  
JAKE: (Looking up, he's missed most of the conversation)  
Who are ``they''? And why can't they help my daughter!  
  
QUINN: (ignoring Jake) But Daria, I need help on this!  
  
DARIA: Then choose a cereal with  
(Cut off by Jake who is suddenly very energized)  
  
JAKE: Choose a CEREAL! Choose a CEREAL! My old man never  
let ME choose a CEREAL! It was always WHEATIES!  
Breakfast of Champions! I wanted LUCKY CHARMS  
but he said it wasn't MANLY enough! I would have  
settled for RAISIN BRAN which is just WHEATIES  
with RAISINS but he said NO! `Raisins are for WIMPS!'  
  
DARIA: Your point being...  
  
HELEN: (rescuing Jake) Jake is saying that you girls  
can eat any cereal you want.   
  
DARIA: So, Quinn, you should get a cereal with 0% fat,   
like Corn Flakes.  
  
QUINN: But then I'm just at 0% fat. I want to go negative.  
  
DARIA: Get a cereal that's tough to chew, so the calories  
spent chewing it are greater than the calories gained  
eating it.  
  
QUINN: Got any in mind?  
  
DARIA: Fruity Real Pebbles.  
  
QUINN: Where can I get some?  
  
DARIA: They're still in research and development.  
  
HELEN: (annoyed) Daria, stop teasing your sister. Quinn, there's no  
such thing as Fruity Real Pebbles. And if there  
were it would break your teeth.  
  
QUINN: Cool-- braces are fashionable this month.  
  
HELEN: Okay girls, knock it off. Daria, why do you tease Quinn so much?  
  
DARIA: Seventeen years of parental neglect.  
  
HELEN: Well I have noticed that I don't spend quite as  
much quality time with the girls as I should.  
  
DARIA: (deadpan) When did you first notice this?  
  
HELEN (ignores Daria): So I've decided to do something about it.  
I'm going to buy a home computer so I can leave the office,  
be home with my family, and get some work done at home.  
  
DARIA: If you're working here instead of at  
work, how does that give you more time with us?  
  
HELEN: (annoyed) Why do you have to be so negative?  
  
JAKE: Actually, Daria has a good question...  
  
HELEN: Jake, don't take her side!  
  
DARIA: Gee, I didn't know we were competing.  
  
(FADE OUT, FADE IN. Next day at the Morgendorffer's house,  
dinner time. Everyone is at the table except Helen. Quinn  
is looking at her organizer from some episode, I forget which one.)  
  
Scene 2.  
  
DARIA: Is mom at the office?  
  
JAKE: She's upstairs on her computer.   
  
DARIA: Spending quality time... with her computer.  
  
JAKE: (defeated) She may join us for dessert.  
  
HELEN: (Helen comes down) Hello family! It's great to be here instead  
of the office.  
  
DARIA: With the computer at home, how can you tell the difference?  
  
HELEN: I'm here with my family. Having dessert. Whats for dessert?  
  
JAKE: Fruity pebbles. For Quinn's sake.  
  
HELEN: Honestly Jake, can't you do anything right?  
  
JAKE: But Helen (as they bicker Daria sneaks upstairs).  
  
DARIA: (She approaches the computer and sits down at it.   
It makes a bell sound and she sees the button `incoming mail' light up.)  
Mom got some mail. It can't be personal.  
I can't be talking to myself. Oh.  
(She looks at the mail. It says  
  
FROM: Eric Schrecter  
TO: Helen M  
  
Dear Helen,  
Erase this as soon as you read it.  
As you know I was divorced last month.  
When a man gets divorced he MUST have a  
wild reckless romantic fling with SOMEBODY to regain his  
mental stability. And Helen, I want that somebody to be you!  
  
Sincerely,  
Eric Schrecter, your boss.  
  
)  
  
DARIA: Wow. I need to prevent an affair.  
(Types in the following while saying it out loud.)  
  
Dear Eric,  
Erase this as soon as your read it.  
Let's have an email romance for two days and see how that goes.  
NOT email sex, just an email romance.  
At the office don't take any action, even if we are alone,  
to indicate we are doing this.  
All future email along these lines should be send to my daughter's  
friend's account jane_lane17@aol.com  
  
Sincerely,  
Helen Morgendorffer, your employee.  
  
DARIA: That will buy me some time.  
(Goes to phone and makes a call to Jane. Split screen.)  
  
DARIA: Jane.  
  
JANE: Yo.  
  
DARIA: I got some email you should know about---  
  
JANE: (cuts her off and uses criminal-type voice)   
Are the three J's talking to you?  
Giving Daria-style advice is my turf, and the last person  
to tramp on my turf found herself shot in the back.  
The smart cops said suicide. (Back to normal voice)  
Besides, I need the three J's money for my Montana Cabin fund.  
  
DARIA: You don't have a Montana Cabin fund.  
  
JANE: Oh yeah, I'm me not you.   
  
DARIA: It wasn't them talking to me instead of you.  
It was Eric talking to me instead of Mom.  
  
JANE: (Confused) Do you want to run that by me again?  
  
DARIA: I'll tell you in person.  
  
JANE: Is Eric actually Eric Sch--  
  
DARIA: You got email from him already? Damn  
electronic age. I'll be right over.  
(Daria logs off and goes downstairs and is about to leave.)  
  
HELEN: Where do you think you're going?  
  
DARIA: I think I'm going to Jane's house.  
  
HELEN: And what do you think you'll be doing there?  
  
DARIA: I think I'm helping her with math.  
  
QUINN: The sad part is, it's probably true.  
  
HELEN: Okay, you can go, but don't get back too late.  
  
QUINN: Can I go too? I've got to uh... go help Stacy in math?  
  
HELEN: C'mon Quinn, at least make it believable.  
  
QUINN: Uh... Stacy's going to help me in math?  
  
JAKE: Quinn working with her friends on math! I  
think thats great!  
  
HELEN (sighs): Okay, you can go. But don't be back  
too late.  
  
(Daria and Quinn both leave. Fade out, Fade back in   
at Jane's house. Daria and Jane are sitting at the  
computer.)  
  
DARIA: My mom's boss has a crush on her. I intercepted  
the first email and I'm trying to prevent an affair.  
  
JANE: So what's your plan?  
  
DARIA: An email romance then break it off gently.   
(Looks at the screen, at the first email  
from Eric, reads it aloud.)  
  
Dear Helen,  
Your lips are like rose petals.   
  
UGH. I can't read this.  
  
JANE: Are you going to respond?  
  
DARIA: Something short and not too icky.  
(Begins writing, and saying it out loud.)  
  
Dear Eric,  
Mere words cannot convey what I felt when reading your letter.  
I will save it for 5 minutes before doing a complete disk wipe  
to avoid leaving any evidence. But as I wipe, I'll  
think of you. Don't email me here again until tomorrow at 8:00PM.  
  
Sincerely,  
Helen  
  
JANE: ``Sincerely''? Couldn't you be more loving, like  
`love Helen'  
  
DARIA: This is hard enough. Thanks for the help.  
How are the 3 J's doing?  
  
JANE: Tomorrow night is the big showdown.  
The three J's are going to Sandi's house.  
  
DARIA: Will you be sad when it's over?  
  
JANE: Yeah. I haven't combined money with fun so well since  
I sold a picture of Quinn being beheaded to Sandi's mom  
(Painted in GIFTED, sold in C.E. Forman's QUINTET.)  
  
DARIA: (Tired) Well, gotta go. I'll be here tomorrow.  
  
(Daria leaves and walks home. She gets to the door of her  
house. Looks at her watch. It's 11:30.)  
  
DARIA: (talking to herself) I better not turn  
the light on. (She enters the house.  
There is a weird glow coming from the kitchen.)  
(talking to herself puzzled) No need to turn the lights on?  
No need to talk to myself either. Oh.  
(she walks to the kitchen and spots Jake)  
  
DARIA AND JAKE: AHHHH.  
  
JAKE: What are you doing home so late?  
  
DARIA: What are you doing up so late. And whats the weird glow?  
  
JAKE: I bought some Lucky Charms with Glow-in-the-dark marshmallows!  
Aren't they great! Take THAT mad-dog Morgendorffer!  
  
DARIA: Bon appetite! I'm going to bed. You don't tell mom that  
I got home late, and I won't tell Mad-Dog that you're eating  
Lucky Charms.  
  
JAKE: Deal!  
--------------------  
Fade out with scene of Daria reading first letter From Eric.  
  
COMMERCIAL: Beautiful girl with great bouncy hair  
She says ``Loreal Shampoo made me beautiful!  
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful--- hate yourself  
because you're ugly.''  
  
---------------------------------  
Act III. Helen's office.  
  
(Keep in mind that throughout this scene  
Eric thinks they had an email romance last  
night and Helen has no knowledge of this.  
And Eric thinks they are supposed to pretend  
it didn't happen. Eric's thoughts are heard by us  
but not be anyone else.)  
  
ERIC: (with sly look) Hi Helen.  
  
HELEN: (normal look) Hi Eric.  
  
ERIC: (thinking: Wow, she's good at acting nonchalant!)  
Here is a list of cases. Do any interest you? (He gives her a list.)  
  
HELEN: Well I definitely *do not* want to take this  
sexual harassment case. Looks messy--- boss dates  
an employee. There are obvious reasons I shouldn't take  
it on.  
  
ERIC: (Thinking: Oh, this is great. She's flirting with me so  
subtly that nobody would know. I'll play along.)   
Pardon, but why shouldn't you take it on?  
  
HELEN: A female lawyer who takes on those cases   
might be stereotyped as *only* doing sexual harassment law.   
I don't want to limit myself.  
  
ERIC: (thinking: Wow! Nerves of steel! Not a flinch,  
no eye contact, nothing to indicate our romance.)  
You've shown me in the past  
(whispers next phrase) and especially today  
(back to normal voice) that you have nerves of steel.  
Hence I want you to take on some high profile cases.  
  
HELEN: (reading out loud)  
Zweiback biscuits inc.   
suing AT&T because their name is at the end of the phone  
book, which is discriminatory.  
  
ERIC: One more. (Looking at a different  
sheet of paper). United Telemarketing is charging Mr. DeMartino  
with obscene phone calling.  
  
HELEN: He called them?  
  
ERIC: No. Whenever United Telemarketing  
called him to sell him something he let forth with  
a string of profanity.  
So United Telemarketing is charging him with  
obscene phone calls, even though they called him.  
What do all these cases have in common?  
  
HELEN: We're defending the side that is clearly in the wrong morally.  
  
ERIC: What else?  
  
HELEN: The person we are defending is rich.  
  
ERIC: Exactly. We don't need to *win* these cases, just  
make our idiotic clients not *look* idiotic, and cut them the  
best possible deal. If a lawyer can  
keep from breaking out in laughter. Can (whispers)  
hide her true feelings (back to normal voice)  
uh, about the case of course, then we look good.  
  
HELEN: Thanks Eric. What caused this faith  
in my abilities?  
  
ERIC: (Thinking: Boy, she is really good! Thats  
exactly what she would ask if she didn't already know.)  
Well, it's not quite what you think. Its not favoritism.  
Its your reaction to... the situation at hand.  
Nerves of steel!.  
  
HELEN: (Thinking: I don't know what he's talking about,  
but I better not ask else I might lose this  
new found respect.)  
I won't let you down. (She sits at her desk and gets  
to work.) Marianne, get me that file on Aardvark vs. Zanzibar,  
that alphabetic fiasco from last year.  
  
(Fade out. Fade in at Morgendorffer house.  
Dinner is being served. Everyone is at the table.)  
Scene 2.  
  
DARIA: (nervous) So mom, how was work today?  
  
HELEN: The boss   
said I had nerves of steel, and then  
gave me some high profile cases.  
  
JAKE: (Not really listening) That's GREAT Helen.  
  
HELEN: Jake, did you hear a word I said?  
  
JAKE: You said that you got a case working for the  
steel company.  
  
DARIA: (has idea) When Eric gives you too many...obligations,  
what do you do.  
  
HELEN: I pass some along to Marianne.  
  
DARIA: Hmmm. (Finishes dinner.) I'm going to Jane's house.  
  
JAKE: Stay for dessert? We're serving Lucky Charms!  
  
DARIA: I'll pass. (leaves and we see  
her walking to Jane's house. She enters the house  
and then Jane's room.)  
  
JANE: So, whats our plan tonight? Are we going  
to move from email romance to email sex?  
  
DARIA: No. This has to end now. Helen told me  
that Eric acted strangely at the office, but  
also gave her some high profile cases  
  
JANE: Favoritism?  
  
DARIA: No. Eric mistakes mom's   
ignorance for keeping cool under pressure.  
  
JANE: Do you have a plan? Does it involve assasination or blackmail?  
  
DARIA: Yes, no, and no.  
  
JANE: Then I can't help you.  
  
DARIA: Mom told me that whenever  
Eric gives her too many obligations, she passes some  
on to Marianne.   
Let's pass this romance onto Marianne.  
  
JANE: Good plan. Want to email Eric and be done with it?  
  
DARIA: Lets see what Eric has emailed mom today.  
(Logs on) Oh. Eric sent a 5 page email. I'll skim it  
``Love you... wants to take this further... you were great  
in the office today'' A short email can't respond to all  
this and break it off. Its time to take drastic action.  
Can you imitate my mothers voice?  
  
JANE: (does a perfect imitation) ``Jake, you're not helping''  
``Daria, why are you always so negative''  
``Quinn, you can't go out on a school night''  
``Mr. O'Neill, you can at least spell Daria's last name correctly...  
Yes, it's my last name too!''  
``My Linda, you look good for your age. I know how hard you work at it.''  
``Jane, I'll buy that painting for one million dollars''  
``Trent, of course you can have my daughters hand in marriage.''  
  
DARIA: Enough. Here's the plan. Call up Eric  
pretending to be *Helen*. Tell him that while it's been  
fun, you need to end it, blah blah blah.  
And suggest Marianne.  
  
JANE: What if he asks questions I'm not prepared for?  
  
DARIA: Answer as you think Helen would.  
  
JANE: During the day I have to tell the three J's what  
*you* would say, and now I have to tell Eric what *Helen* would say.  
Its driving me nuts.  
  
DARIA: At least you don't have to imitate Quinn.  
  
JANE: (imitating Quinn perfectly) Mom, Daria is teasing me again!  
  
DARIA: (impressed) Wow. Impressive. Now, call Eric.  
  
JANE: Okay-dokey. (Calls Eric. We see split screen.  
Throughout the conversation Jane does a perfect Helen imitation.  
Daria is listening on an extension in the same room.)  
  
JANE: Eric, this is Helen.  
  
ERIC: Oh, the love of my life!  
  
JANE: I'm the love of the last two days. And it has to  
stop.  
  
ERIC: But why my sweet?  
  
JANE: Today in the office you almost gave it away.  
In the future no more whispering, no more eye contact,  
no more (cut off)  
  
ERIC: Do you still want those high profile cases?  
  
JANE: Yes. I didn't get those because of our, uh, romance,  
I got those because if my ability to *hide* our romance.  
An ability you don't share.  
  
ERIC: I'll be more careful in the future.  
  
JANE: If my own marriage is a shambles then I'll  
be less productive.  
  
ERIC: Less productive! You're right, this has to end.  
  
JANE: (a little startled at the sudden change)  
We'll always have jane_lane17@aol.com  
  
ERIC: So you think I'm now ready for a real relationship?  
  
JANE: Yes.  
  
ERIC: With you?  
  
JANE: NO!  
  
ERIC: Then with who...  
  
JANE: Isn't it obvious. Who do I pass my excess obligations to?  
  
ERIC: Marianne. OH. Marianne!  
  
JANE: Exactly. This phone call and this relationship are now  
over (hangs up).  
  
JANE: (Back to her normal voice)  
Your mom had a passionate romance and didn't even know it.  
  
DARIA: And she's better off for it.  
  
JANE: One plot down, one to go.  
  
DARIA: Is everything worked out for the three J's.  
  
JANE: Yes. The big showdown is tomorrow.  
  
--------------------------------------  
Fade out  
  
COMMERCIAL: Two guys are at a beach looking with  
binoculars at two stunning women making a phone call.  
In the background of the binocular shot is a guy in the ocean  
who looks like he is drowning.  
GUY 1: She's okay, she's using 1-800-COLLECT. Oh No! Her friend  
is dialing 0!  
GUY 2: We have a more important problem. There's a guy out ther--- (cut off)  
GUY 1: What could be more important then telling people to use  
1-800-COLLECT. They could save a buck or two!  
GUY 2: There's a guy out there drowning!  
GUY 1: If he calls for help he better use 1-800-COLLECT!  
GUY 2: You're NUTS! I'll go save the guy (runs off)  
GUY 1: I'll stop that girl from dialing 0!  
(They both run off and rescue their victims. Both succeed.  
Cut to a ceremony.)  
ANNOUNCER: And for duty above and beyond the call of duty we give  
you this award (gives it to GUY 1). You stopped a stunning looking  
girl from dialing 0!  
GUY 2: What about me? I saved a guy from drowning?  
ANNOUNCER: (brushes him off) Yeah yeah, that's important too.  
(Faces audience) So, if you see someone dialing 0, stop them.  
It could be a matter of... a buck or two.  
GUY 2: (in background) You're NUTS, you're all NUTS!  
  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Act IV  
  
(Sandi's house)  
  
SANDI: I call this meeting of the Fashion Club to order.  
Stacy, read today's agenda.  
  
STACY:   
Eat celery and drink diet soda.  
  
Discuss Quinn's motion to fund some science brain   
to develop milk with negative fat content.  
  
Discuss Sandi's motion to reorganize the club and  
do away with the job of vice president.  
  
QUINN: Hey! We can't do that!  
  
SANDI: We can at least discuss it. (Doorbell rings. As  
Sandi goes to get it Sandi's brothers enter the  
room and begin talking to Quinn.)  
  
(Recall that Sam and Chris are Sandi's brothers and  
have a crush on Quinn. They talk by cutting each other  
off, much like the three J's.)  
  
SAM: Quinn, we saved up money...  
  
CHRIS: So we want to take you out...  
  
SAM: To Le Expensive'.  
  
CHRIS: On opening night.  
  
QUINN: Uh, I'm not sure, I mean you are.. a bit young.  
  
SAM: (Reading off a card) But this is your chance  
to start a new trend. Dating younger men makes you  
look younger and cuter. And younger men such as  
ourselves won't (reads card) expect anything.  
I'm not even sure what that means,  
but it's true.  
  
QUINN: I read in WAIF magazine  
that dating much younger men  
will become popular soon.   
  
CHRIS: This is your chance to (reads off card)  
set a trend.  
  
SAM: Plus it will annoy Sandi.  
(Quinn smiles at that.)  
  
  
(Pan over to door. Sandi opens it and the three J's are   
there.)  
  
JOEY: I want to ask you for a date!  
  
JEFFY: No, I do!  
  
JAMIE: No, I do!  
  
(They get into a fight. Sandi is very pleased and  
unintentionally adapts Quinn's manerisms and  
attitude while saying the next line.)  
  
SANDI: Don't fight over me. I'm not worth it.  
  
JAMIE: Oh yeah, she's right.  
(they stop)  
  
JOEY: But remember, we want to ask her out for  
a date to make Quinn jealous. Ooops.  
  
QUINN: Too late. I already have a date.  
This Saturday I'm being taken to Le Expensive' by  
two very polite young men.  
  
JEFFY: Who?  
  
QUINN: Sandi's brothers Sam and Chris.  
  
CHRIS: And after we take her there, you can't ever ask her  
for a date.  
  
JOEY: (still mad) Why's that?  
  
SAM: (produces contract) This says   
``We the undersigned promise  
that whichever of us takes Quinn to Le Expensive'   
opening night  
has exclusive rights to her. The others will cease  
and desist from talking to her.''  
  
JOEY: But you're just witnesses!  
  
CHRIS: And you're just losers.  
  
JEFFY: How can they afford to take her to Le Expensive'  
  
SAM: Jane gave us the money.  
  
JOEY: How'd she get it?   
  
SAM: She got it from you!  
  
JOEY and JEFFY and JAMIE: Oooooh (all groan).  
  
JOEY: Why did she do that?  
  
CHRIS: She told us that you wanted to stop fighting  
over Quinn. If one of you was Quinn's boyfriend, then  
this flimsy contract wouldn't stop the others.  
So she needed someone to take Quinn to Le Expensive'  
who you couldn't fight.  
  
JEFFY: Wasn't there some other way?  
  
SAM: She pondered hiring a hit man to kill Quinn.  
That's what Daria would do. But then  
you'd fight over who gets to kill  
Quinn's killer.  
  
JAMIE: When did she arrange all this?  
  
CHRIS: She called us up a few days ago. Listen:  
  
(INDICATE A FLASH BACK)  
  
(Jane is calling Sandi's house)  
  
SANDI: Hello?  
  
JANE: Can I speak to Sam and Chris?  
  
SANDI: Who is this?  
  
JANE: I'm Quinn's cousin-or-whatever's  
weird art friend with the even weirder brother.  
  
SANDI: Why do you want to talk to Sam and Chris?  
  
JANE: Because I'm weird.  
  
SANDI: Whatever. (Calls out.) Sam, Chris, somebody  
weird wants to talk to you!  
  
SAM and CHRIS: Cool!  
(They get the phone.)  
  
JANE: This is Jane, Quinn's cousin's friend.  
  
SAM: Quinn's cousin? Quinn doesn't have a cousin, just that  
sister Daria.   
  
JANE: Geez, does everyone know that Quinn and Daria are sisters?  
  
SAM: Anyone with half a brain.  
  
JANE: Does Sandi know?  
  
CHRIS: No.  
  
JANE: What is your goal in life?  
  
SAM and CHRIS: To date Quinn!  
  
JANE: And why haven't you done it?  
  
SAM and CHRIS: The three J's would beat us up, Quinn  
wouldn't think its cool, and we lack the money.  
  
JANE: I'm going to help you achieve your life's ambition.  
Be at the Pizza place today at 5:00.   
I will set things up so that you can take Quinn to opening  
night at Le Expensive'.  
  
SAM: Is that French?  
  
JANE: Yes.  
  
CHRIS: Oooh. Do we have to eat snails?  
  
JANE: No, the French eat things other than snails.  
But wouldn't eating snails be a small price to pay  
to date Quinn?  
  
SAM and CHRIS: We'd eat dirt for a chance to date Quinn!  
  
JANE: You can't fool me. Kids your age *like* eating dirt.  
Would you eat snails?  
  
SAM and CHRIS: (sheepishly) Uh... yeah.  
  
JANE: Anyway, just be there at 5:00.  
  
SAM: Do we get free pizza?  
  
JANE: Only if you pay for it.  
  
SAM: ALRIGHT!. Oh (they realize that the pizza is not free).  
  
(End of flashback.)  
  
THE THREE J'S: We've been humiliated enough. We're leaving.  
(They leave.)  
  
SANDI: Quinn, don't you mind that you're a pawn in  
someone's sick game.  
  
QUINN: I'm going to Le Expensive' this  
weekend with two wonderful and polite gentlemen.  
  
SANDI: But they're 10 and 12 years old.  
  
QUINN: Dating children is going to be the next hot trend.  
Don't you read WAIF?  
  
SANDI: (Looks at WAIF. Realizing she's defeated she changes her tune)   
I'll be there too with my own very young man.   
  
----------------------------------  
ACT III  
  
(Scene at Le Expensive. We see Quinn and Chris and Sam at one  
table, and Sandi and Brian (Brittany's brother)  
at another table, Stacy and the  
male Gupty child, and Tiffany and some other kids. We  
also see Eric and Marianne. Sandi is not having a good time since  
Brian is showing her his sling shot and a dead frog.)  
  
MARIANNE: If you liked me how come you didn't ask  
me out earlier?  
  
ERIC: I had to get over someone else first.  
  
MARIANNE: Was it Helen?  
  
ERIC: No (said very nicely and not contrived, just the way he  
would say it if it were true) (Inner thoughts: that was  
delivered well!)  
  
MARIANNE: I'm glad. That might have caused problems.  
(Inner thoughts: What a brilliant liar! He'll go far!)  
  
ERIC: (Looking around) Why are there so many teenage girls  
dating under-age boys?  
  
MARIANNE: Don't know. Life is random like that--- we get together,  
teen girls date kids, all chance events.  
  
  
FADE OUT. FADE IN  
  
(Daria and Jane in Pizza Place.)  
  
JANE: You do realize that we have controlled the lives  
of several people without them knowing it.  
  
DARIA: We got Quinn to date a 10 and a 12 year old.  
  
JANE: We got Eric to date Marianne.  
  
DARIA: We got Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany to date boys.  
  
JANE: We didn't plan that.  
  
DARIA: Yeah, but in retrospect it was an inevitable  
outgrowth of our plans.  
  
JANE: You mean *your* plan.  
  
DARIA: No, I'd say *our* plan. It was your idea to have  
Quinn date Sam and Chris.  
  
JANE: But you wrote the article for WAIF that made  
Quinn accept the date.  
Why did you sign it ``Melody Powers''  
Isn't that like signing your name.  
(NOTE TO READER: Melody Powers is the name of a fictional  
character that Daria has written about in CAFE DISAFFECTO  
and THE OLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL (final scene).)  
  
DARIA: Nah. You forget that people in Lawndale  
forget things from week to week. Its like,  
every Wednesday at 10:00PM they forget what  
happened the prior week.  
  
(Fade back in to the Pizza Place)  
  
(The Three J's come in)  
  
JOEY: You manipulated us!  
  
JEFFY: You humiliated us!  
  
JAMIE: You made us lose Quinn!  
  
DARIA: You never had Quinn. You should have followed  
that maxim: if you love something let it go. If it comes back,  
shoot it. If not, then it's gone. Either way you're better off.  
  
JOEY: Who asked for your advice?  
  
DARIA: Actually you all did, you just used Jane to obtain it.  
  
JEFFY: Oh yeah, right.  
  
JANE: Are you just going to bicker or do you have  
something else to ask me?  
  
JOEY: (Sheepishly) If we gave you 50 bucks each, could  
you void that contract?  
  
JANE: 1000 bucks each.  
  
ALL OF THEM: Okay.  
  
JANE: Do you have 1000 bucks each?  
  
ALL OF THEM: Oh. No.  
  
JANE: Haven't I humiliated you enough?  
  
JOEY: NO. We want our Quinn back.  
  
JANE: Sorry, there's only so much humiliation I'm  
willing to put you through.  
  
JOEY: But wouldn't Daria want to humiliate us more?  
  
JANE: You could ask her, she's right here.  
  
JEFFY: Daria, What would Daria do?  
  
DARIA: She'd say ``1010 bucks each''  
  
ALL OF THEM: Okay.  
  
DARIA: Do you have 1010 bucks each?  
  
ALL OF THEM: Oh. No.  
  
DARIA: Haven't I humiliated you enough.  
  
JOEY: NO. We want our Quinn back.  
  
DARIA: Sorry, there's only so much humiliation I'm  
willing to put you through.  
  
JOEY: But wouldn't Jane imitating Daria want to humiliate us more?  
  
DARIA: You could ask her, she's right here.  
  
JEFFY: Jane, what would Jane imitating Daria do?  
  
JANE: She'd say ``1020 bucks each''  
  
ALL OF THEM: Okay.  
  
DARIA: Do you have 1020 bucks each?  
  
ALL OF THEM: Oh. No.  
  
JANE: Haven't I humiliated you enough.  
  
JOEY: NO. We want our Quinn back.  
  
(FOCUS ON CLOCK IN BACKGROUND. SEE IT ADVANCE 30 MINUTES)  
  
JOEY: But wouldn't Daria imitating Jane imitating Daria imitating Jane...  
(FOCUS ON CLOCK. SEE IT ADVANCE 5 MINUTES)..imitating Daria do?  
  
DARIA: She would say ``How long do you want to keep his up?  
  
JANE: Until it stops being fun.  
  
DARIA: We passed our fun quota 200 dollars ago.  
  
JOEY: Our final offer: 2000 bucks each.  
  
JANE: Do you have 2000 bucks each?  
  
ALL OF THEM: Oh. No.  
  
JANE: Then, thats it. (They leave disappointed)  
  
(Sam and Chris come in.)  
  
SAM: Jane, we have a favor to ask you.  
  
JANE: Okay.  
  
CHRIS: Sam and I have been fighting over Quinn.  
Can you help us stop?  
  
END OF STORY. THEME MUSIC PLAYS.  
  
ALTER EGOS:  
  
DARIA as MELODY POWERS (She's done this--- sexy outfit and ray gun)  
JANE as a Puppeteer with 3 J's as puppets.  
QUINN as a princess.  
JAKE as a Leprechaun (from Lucky Charms box)  
The Three J's as the Three Musketeers, but stabbing each other.  
  
---------------------------------------  
AUTHORS NOTES:  
  
1) The person who does the voice for Jane Lane also does  
the voice for Quinn and Helen. The duet in DARIA! where  
Quinn and Helen both sing was all the more amazing since  
it really did sound like two different people.  
But anyway, thats why it would be easy for Jane to  
imitate Quinn and Helen.  
  
2) I started out just wanting to do the Helen/Eric story  
with the Marianne ending. But it needed a B-plot.  
The B-plot became as big as the A-plot. At this point  
I think they're about the same.  
  
3) I was thinking of a subplot about Jane and Daria presenting  
the entire scheme to Ms. Barch's class as an experiment in  
Game Theory. I ditched it because (a) the story is already  
quite long and more importantly (b) it wasn't funny.  
  
4) I LOVE the idea of doing a story where there are  
two romance-plots and NO Trent.  
  
5) I want to thank JAMES GLENN for a GREAT proofread,  
and (as usual) C.E. Forman for inspiration.  
  
6) Writing it was fun! Getting corrections and making  
them the first time was fun! Getting corrections  
and making them the 17th time was less fun.  
I passed the fun quotient at the 4th round of corrections.  
  
7) This is my third Daria story (Four if you count the story  
IQ which didn't really happen--- as opposed to the  
others that did :-) ). I"m finding that the stories  
come out pretty good after alot of work and I would LIKE  
to think I'm comparable to C.E. Forman and Kara Wild  
(who do the same TYPE of story--- sticking to the Daria  
universe and using Play-format). However, the biggest  
difference is that (a) Their BEST stories are better  
than mine, and (b) They produce FAR FAR more of them.  
  
8) The stories of C.E. Forman were my main inspiration.  
I've read all of Forman's stuff and LIKED it. When I wrote  
my story I used my thoughts of Forman's stuff to guide me.   
(Formans stuff is available at   
the fanfiction sight off of  
http://www.outpost-daria.com)  
Look under fanfiction, and then under featured authors.  
Kara Wild's stuff is also quite good and IF I had read it  
before doing my stories THEN they would have been an inspiration.  
Her fanfic is at the same place.  
She HAS inspired me to make LONGER Author Notes.  
  
9) My stories have a rough order: IQ is a fantasy piece  
and not really in the timeline.  
Aside from that the order is  
THE LAW OF INCLUSION AND EXCLUSION.  
THE COMPLETE IDIOTS GUIDE TO...  
IMITATION IS NOT THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.  
  
There is NOT much continuity, but you may get  
SOME back references.  
  



End file.
